“Am I as miserable as they think?”

The bad:

  • Passing biomechanics is going to be a major feat this semester so I can graduate
  • I feel like a waste of space in SAPA and I don’t know why they picked me
  • Long distance with Nick this semester plus less communication because of his busy schedule has been challenging for sure, but not debilitating like they think
  • TBH I’m really just tired of living with roommates and I’m ready for my own place
  • Talking to people kinda exhausts me these days

The good:

  • Stephanie and I have gotten really close, at least from my perspective – after all, she DID accept my lifetime friend application
  • Andrea and I have been mostly keeping up with our weekly coffee dates
  • I feel in control/like an adult and have been managing my gas, groceries, car payments, rent payments, and bills pretty well I think
  • Galentine’s Day was super fun and successful and I had much needed girl time
  • I got the part I wanted for Vagina Monologues!
  • I’m going to be an assistant coach for Girls on the Run!
  • Nick and I celebrate our two year anniversary next month – whaaat?!
  • I actually have a long term client at Morey and I love working with her
  • I’m going to be getting another client back in the next month or so
  • I got my top choice for internship for the summer
  • I’m being calmly aggressive about strengthening certain friendships in preparation for maintaining them after leaving

Overall my good definitely outweighs my bad. I am not miserable, I am content. I am very tired, yes, but I am not sad unless they make me sad. I am not sitting here with my eyes only on the future, I am still getting involved in things here with what little time I have left. So how dare they. How dare they pass judgment on me, how dare they shove advice at me that I did not ask for and do not want.

In other words, It’s not me,

it’s you.

Is the semester over yet?

I missed Nick a lot today.

My period also made me miserable today.

I’m sick of other people giving me advice when (a) I didn’t ask for it, (b) they have no idea what they’re even talking about, and (c) it’s none of their business how I live my life.

I forgot I had two boxes of brownies. So I made one.

I’ll probably make the other one tomorrow. And some banana bread.

Maybe give some to people. I’m feeling generous.

I’m taking half a personal day tomorrow. Skipping my first two classes, going to my third and fourth (ew I forgot about the fourth) and to work and my fifth.

Ugh I guess that’s more like a third of a personal day.

Is the semester over yet?

Looking back from 21

I wish I’d spent more time laying in beds with my girl friends, crying and laughing and cuddling and talking about all the things. Supporting each other instead of competing. Giving each other makeovers and singing loudly (and horribly) to pop music and making fun of how awful magazines are for girls our age.

I wish I had appreciated my teachers more, especially in high school when I thought they were all out to get me. I wish I had spent time with them after school, getting more help and also receiving some of their wisdom. They could have taught me so much.

I wish I hadn’t waited so long to decide to be unapologetically me. Things would have been easier. I wouldn’t have hated middle and high school so much, and then maybe I wouldn’t have rushed through them so quickly.

I wish I had appreciated Erin’s friendship more. She’s truly one of the best friends I have ever, ever had. Like, top three. I regret the way I ruined our friendship every single day of my life.

I wish I had said yes to more things. Tied with that, I wish I had been more ambitious. There were trips I could have taken but didn’t want to put forth the effort to raise the money. There were groups I could have been a part of but didn’t work hard enough to apply and/or be accepted. There were teams I dreamed of being on but I refused to get help outside my school coach.

I wish I’d experimented with my sexuality more. I don’t think it would have affected me ever meeting/dating/loving Nick because I 100% believe him and I are meant to be but now I’m left with so many questions that I’ll never have the answer to.

This is my brain on a sunday night

It’s truly amazing how many friendships I have destroyed by either (a) trying too hard, (b) opening my big fat mouth, (c) not trying hard enough, and/or (d) being a complete idiot. At the same time, I recognize that everything happens for a reason, that I’m done with college classes and moving out of Mt. Pleasant in less than 3 months (whaaat?!), and I have plenty of adventures and new friend-soulmates ahead of me. Forgiveness is also a thing that exists and it’s a two way street and sometimes my GPS will lead me to it.

I should be studying right now for a big, difficult exam tomorrow morning. I should also be doing my biomechanics homework, writing a paper on abortion, and finishing up a small individual project. But I guess after being the biggest procrastinator since 2006, there’s really no point in changing that part of me in the very ┬álast semester of classes I will most likely ever have (again whaaaat?!).

I’ve been pooping a ridiculous amount lately. I guess I have been eating better again?

I went to a college gymnastics meet for the first time ever today. It was an absolute blast and I am devastated I have never gone to one before. The gymnasts are amazing athletes and also, damn, those legs. I wish I was friends with them and/or had dated one in like my first year of college (HA), anywho.

It’s been just over two years since I first confessed my feelings for Nick and I’ve never regretted it. Each and every day is just further affirmation that he is the love of my life and that we are actually going to make it. I love him a ridiculous amount and I truly hope we are living together by the time we are ringing in the next new year.

I’m trying to use snapchat more. I’m not entirely sure why. I guess one more way to document my day in ugly faces and shots of things I wouldn’t tweet or instagram? Who knows. It’s fun. Maybe that’s why.

Camp Takota was such a good feel-good girl-power movie! Need. More.

I got a new hat. It says Mitten Brewing on it. It’s from the Mitten Brewing Company, surprise. I’m trying to be cool. I think it’s working. Nick told me it’s working but he’s also very nice and would never tell me the truth if he thought it was mean. Or tell anyone the truth for that matter…he’s way too nice and sometimes it’s not good but I still love him.

Well. I should probably study a tiny bit now so I don’t completely fail?

Yikes.

Because it’s late at night and why the fuck not, really?

My biggest dreams:

  • Create irreplaceable bonds with women I’ve met at CMU before graduation
  • Move in with Nick by the end of the year (preferably a tiny house in Royal Oak)
  • Adopt one or twelve pitbulls from a Michigan animal shelter
  • Open a gym for women only that becomes a warm, inviting, comfortable, safe, supportive, and encouraging atmosphere and home for girls and women of all ages and backgrounds to come and bond with one another, grow stronger physically and mentally, and have a safe place to sit in. I want to partner up with as many shelters as possible to give women free memberships.
  • Travel the fucking world, and I mean it. Indulge in pizza in Italy, meet the strongest people in Afghanistan, visit holy spaces in India, climb mountains in Patagonia, re-live the Lord of the Rings in New Zealand, stand in front of the ocean in California, and the list goes on forever, and ever, and ever.
  • Become a coffee connoisseur.