Grateful for the Open Window

It’s officially a spring day, not one of those fake warm-today-back-to-freezing-tomorrow days. The sun has been warming us up since we woke up this morning, making our bare skin and the dogs’ backs nice and hot. The sky is a beautiful, deep blue – a palm that holds endless possibilities for the day. The woods are filled with light and cover rolling hills and small ponds. The breeze is gentle and plays with my hair.

I am so grateful for this day and this life. Spent with my favorite person in the world, his dogs, and his wonderful family at their wonderful home in the woods.

On This Day In History

Most importantly, today is the 50th anniversary of Bloody Sunday in Selma, Alabama and it is also International Women’s Day. Both of these are of equal importance.

– 50 years ago today, African Americans and their allies planned to march to Montgomery to achieve voting rights for blacks. Just as they crossed the Edmund Pettus Bridge*, they were met with riot shields and billy clubs. Many were beaten and the march was not accomplished until March 21, two full weeks after Bloody Sunday, and the third attempt at doing so. Now, 50 years later, blacks are still fighting for equality and justice in America. Their fight has never ended. The Civil Rights Movement continues. I am in solidarity with black Americans. I will help to fight. I will help to end racism here in America. Will you?
– Women are still inferior everywhere in the world today, no matter the color of their skin. We are catcalled, harassed, raped, beaten, kidnapped, murdered, and more everywhere in the world, simply because we are women. This is not okay. Ever. At any time. We demand justice, equality, and respect. This includes trans women and women of color. Feminism is for everybody.

* Did you know the Edmund Pettus Bridge is still named after a KKK member?? Go here and sign the petition to get it changed!

In other, less important news:

  • It’s crazy to think I’ve been making the drive to and from Mt. Pleasant for four years. It feels like it’s been home longer than that but it also feels like I was graduating high school just last week.
  • I am sososo stoked to move in with Nick as soon as possible. I cannot wait to wake up next to him every morning, and drink coffee with him, and go on adventures with him, and be able to come home to him. Goal is to be living together by 2016!
  • Place to myself for a night or two and it’s terrifying, once again. But at least I can pee with the door open? And make brownies and make a mess in the kitchen and not clean it up right away.

Future dreamin’

I can’t wait for the day that I get to have my own cute little place with my best friend and love of my life, and get to fall asleep next to him every night, and wake up next to him every morning, and cook in the kitchen with him whenever we want, and only say “see you tonight” when we leave for work in the morning and not “see you next weekend”.

I am over college, and Mt. Pleasant, and cheap college apartments shared with roommates. I have done my time, and I have enjoyed my time.

But damn, I cannot wait to be gone in just two and a half months.

Like, G-d forbid I’m ready to be done with school after 17 years of it.

“Am I as miserable as they think?”

The bad:

  • Passing biomechanics is going to be a major feat this semester so I can graduate
  • I feel like a waste of space in SAPA and I don’t know why they picked me
  • Long distance with Nick this semester plus less communication because of his busy schedule has been challenging for sure, but not debilitating like they think
  • TBH I’m really just tired of living with roommates and I’m ready for my own place
  • Talking to people kinda exhausts me these days

The good:

  • Stephanie and I have gotten really close, at least from my perspective – after all, she DID accept my lifetime friend application
  • Andrea and I have been mostly keeping up with our weekly coffee dates
  • I feel in control/like an adult and have been managing my gas, groceries, car payments, rent payments, and bills pretty well I think
  • Galentine’s Day was super fun and successful and I had much needed girl time
  • I got the part I wanted for Vagina Monologues!
  • I’m going to be an assistant coach for Girls on the Run!
  • Nick and I celebrate our two year anniversary next month – whaaat?!
  • I actually have a long term client at Morey and I love working with her
  • I’m going to be getting another client back in the next month or so
  • I got my top choice for internship for the summer
  • I’m being calmly aggressive about strengthening certain friendships in preparation for maintaining them after leaving

Overall my good definitely outweighs my bad. I am not miserable, I am content. I am very tired, yes, but I am not sad unless they make me sad. I am not sitting here with my eyes only on the future, I am still getting involved in things here with what little time I have left. So how dare they. How dare they pass judgment on me, how dare they shove advice at me that I did not ask for and do not want.

In other words, It’s not me,

it’s you.

Is the semester over yet?

I missed Nick a lot today.

My period also made me miserable today.

I’m sick of other people giving me advice when (a) I didn’t ask for it, (b) they have no idea what they’re even talking about, and (c) it’s none of their business how I live my life.

I forgot I had two boxes of brownies. So I made one.

I’ll probably make the other one tomorrow. And some banana bread.

Maybe give some to people. I’m feeling generous.

I’m taking half a personal day tomorrow. Skipping my first two classes, going to my third and fourth (ew I forgot about the fourth) and to work and my fifth.

Ugh I guess that’s more like a third of a personal day.

Is the semester over yet?

Looking back from 21

I wish I’d spent more time laying in beds with my girl friends, crying and laughing and cuddling and talking about all the things. Supporting each other instead of competing. Giving each other makeovers and singing loudly (and horribly) to pop music and making fun of how awful magazines are for girls our age.

I wish I had appreciated my teachers more, especially in high school when I thought they were all out to get me. I wish I had spent time with them after school, getting more help and also receiving some of their wisdom. They could have taught me so much.

I wish I hadn’t waited so long to decide to be unapologetically me. Things would have been easier. I wouldn’t have hated middle and high school so much, and then maybe I wouldn’t have rushed through them so quickly.

I wish I had appreciated Erin’s friendship more. She’s truly one of the best friends I have ever, ever had. Like, top three. I regret the way I ruined our friendship every single day of my life.

I wish I had said yes to more things. Tied with that, I wish I had been more ambitious. There were trips I could have taken but didn’t want to put forth the effort to raise the money. There were groups I could have been a part of but didn’t work hard enough to apply and/or be accepted. There were teams I dreamed of being on but I refused to get help outside my school coach.

I wish I’d experimented with my sexuality more. I don’t think it would have affected me ever meeting/dating/loving Nick because I 100% believe him and I are meant to be but now I’m left with so many questions that I’ll never have the answer to.